when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Randomize
