i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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