I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
