dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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