The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
NoShamevember. You game?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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