I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
