hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
