Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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