p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
