dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
