the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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