I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
