I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
