Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
