hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
