I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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