Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
