I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
