Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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