the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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