they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
