i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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