I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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