4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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