I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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