So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
