Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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