Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
