Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm just crazy horny about you
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
