the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
