the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
