Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
