i just wanna soil my oats bro
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
