i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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