I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
two words...techno handjob
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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