Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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