The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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