I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
