I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
