my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
