Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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