we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
it's like iHOP with fire
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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