I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
