i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
