just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize