I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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