last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
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