some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
