So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
