i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
from now on my penis is your penis
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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