Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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