please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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